I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. Not all the time, just on mornings like today. I think having two dogs and an almost 15 month old boy what drives anyone a little crazy. Especially when one of your dogs pick up barking as his new sport and the other dog continue to jump on you no matter what you are trying to carry, where you’re trying to go or how fast u need to get somewhere. I love my dogs, seriously I do. But it is so hard to give them their sins and that they need and also be a mom who work full time. We actually look into puppy daycare as an alternative for us since we don’t have as much time as we like to spend with our puppies. I guess I really thought that by the time they turned 5 they would be calmer but that is just not the case. Yoshi will be 5 in September and he still acts like a 10 week old puppy he’s just 80 pounds instead. You think that him having ACL surgery and a titanium plate put in his leg would have calmed him down but no!
Anyway, it just makes my morning seem like pure chaos when the dogs are jumping and barking and Daxton is crying for his breakfast and my husband threw his back out so he has been unhelpful for the last 3 days. At least today is my night to have me time. For the last few weeks I’ve been meeting my best friend at the gym and we’ve gone for about 30 or 45 minute walk and done a few bodyweight exercises together. I know its not much but the time spent with her and doing something healthy for myself is good for me, know it is. I’ve been doing a 30 minute walk each day at our tiny little work Jim as well as a few exercises for my poor that my chiropractor recommended to help with my pain in my hips and back. It’s not anything like I used to do for working out, but it’s something. One thing I’ve noticed since having my son is that my ability to say no to yummy food has seemed to be weakened. I just have no willpower or self control anymore. After a lifetime of counting calories trying different diets sad and everything else you can imagine to lose weight, I think during pregnancy and breastfeeding the ability to eat basically whatever I wanted without having to feel guilty has seemed to sabotage my future ability to lose weight. I seriously can’t even bring myself to step on the scale more than once every 3 weeks and mostly I looked at the numbers with my hands over my eyes and just disbelieve what I see. There is so much that has changed about me since I became a mother, and I wouldn’t trade those new skills and qualities for sure. But there are things that I missed a bout my old self like my ability to exercise everyday and eat smart. I don’t know if all of my self control and will power energy has been replaced by the needs of Daxton and my family but i just dont have that gene anymore somehow. It sucks. I hate being fat. But I know that quote about not hating something so much that you’re willing to change it and that makes me feel even more helpless somehow.
I get really excited about starting a health kick or eliminating something from my diet for about 2 hours, & then I’m over it and ready to eat a giant cookie instead. I’m fitting back into some of my jeans from pre pregnancy but everything feels tight still and I’m just over it! I don’t want to buy a bigger size I just want to feel like my old self again. I need a plan that is going to take me back to where I need to be, but I just don’t know where it is or even where to look for it. I used to Iuz to find the answers by spending time in self-reflection and really wrapping my mind around new research or exciting new exercise programs, but come on, who has time for that now? Not this mom. I know, I’m making excuses for myself to be unhealthy. I see women at the pool when I take my son and they look good in their two pieces and have more children than me. So I know that it’s possible I just haven’t figured it out for myself yet. The things that I used to love to do hurt now. My chiropractor says that that sort of intensity will only make my hip and back pain worse at this point. I’m hoping that if I can lose the rest of this weight and work on getting back to a place of fitness that everything will come together for me again. I’ll have more energy for all of these new demands, I’ll fit back into my pre pregnancy clothes and I’ll be able to do the exercises that I loved to do.
Okay rant over. It is bard…this balancing act. 15 months later I have my son but can’t seem to find myself. I want both, is that impossible?